with_apostrophe (with_apostrophe) wrote in physics_flyboys,
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And Nothing But the Truth - by With_Apostrophe

And Nothing But The Truth - By With_Apostrophe (Mission Report Challenge)


Title: And Nothing But The Truth
Author: with_apostrophe
Genre: Humour
Characters: John, Rodney, Ronon, Teyla (and very briefly) Elizabeth
Spoilers: Tiny, but highly spoilerific mention made of "The Real World", season 3
Rating: PG-13, Gen
Disclaimer: Not mine - at least not outside my brain.
Words: 3000
Warnings: Photo and prophylactic abuse ahead!
Summary: John tries to persuade Rodney to let them write a full and complete report of their latest mission. E-mails and hi-jinks ensue.


A/N: Much praise and thanks to the wonderful graceandfire who beta-ed this, and attempted to quash my utter Britishness (and she did it from under a mountain of paperwork). Also thanks to  dr_dreddfor letting me steal my favourite Teyla line from 'Memos From the Edge.' and providing inspiration for the format. Credit to New Atlantis and Atlantica - you'll see why if you follow the links.






Date: 22 Aug 2006 01:34:42 (AST)


From: J. Sheppard

To: R. McKay

Cc: T. Emmagan; R. Dex

Subject: Mission Report # 313 (aka - The One You Won't Let Us Tell The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But The Truth About)

You gotta let us tell Elizabeth the whole story about what happened. You know how down she's been lately after the whole “hallucinatory nanites” incident and I think reading an unedited account of our mission would do wonders towards making her feel better

You owe me for distracting her in the debriefing so she wouldn’t notice that we weren’t telling her everything, buddy.

Be a man, step up to the plate and let us unleash our report writing skills.

Sheppard

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 01:39:36 (AST)

From: R. McKay

To: J. Sheppard

Cc: T. Emmagan; R. Dex

Subject: Re: Mission Report # 313 (aka - The One There Is No Way Any Of You Will Be Telling ANYONE The Whole Truth About Unless You Want To Have Sweet's "Greatest Hits" Blasted Into Your Quarters At Random Intervals Whilst You Are *Trying* To Sleep)

Which part of “don't you dare tell this to anyone or I'll find a way to make your nuts shrivel up and die” did you not understand Flyboy? Let me see (ha!) if I can put that more succinctly for you.

YOU TALK: YOU SQUAWK

Capisce?

And whilst I appreciate your efforts to distract Elizabeth in the debriefing, the idea was not that we put off telling her, but that we NEVER tell her.

Dr Rodney McKay

PS (There are no words to describe the gruesomeness of your mixed metaphors.)

PPS (You HATE writing reports. I thought you'd be jumping up and down like a toilet brush haired kid at having less to write about)

PPPS (Perhaps you should also look up 'really bad' in the dictionary. It was about 100 light years beyond 'really bad')

PPPPS (I can't believe you're using the 'Friends' episode title format for your subject lines. Do you have no shame?)

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 01:42:26 (AST)

From: J. Sheppard

To: R. McKay

Cc: T. Emmagan; R. Dex

Subject: Re: Re: Mission Report # 313 (aka - The One Rodney Is Being WAY Too Sensitive About Because Let's Face It He’s Done Equally Embarrassing And Hilarious Things In The Past - Enzyme Overdoses And Drooling Over Lucius Ring Any Bells?)

Were you absent or merely stuck in a feedback loop of your endless internal monologue on the day when they taught you never to threaten an Air Force Colonel who knows what your allergies are?

And yes, whilst normally I’d go as far as to say that I’d rather listen to you rambling on ad infinitum about power variables and quarks and crap than write reports, THIS was one I was actually looking forward to. With material like that, I reckon I could get a job as sit-com screenwriter.

Sheppard

PS (I looked up 'hypochondriac' in the dictionary and look what it said.

hypochondriac
n proper noun Rodney McKay)

PPS (I note you weren't too ashamed to adopt my use of the 'Friends' episode title format. Pot. Kettle. Black, eh Rodney?)

PPPS (Oh god! The first half of my opening line reads like YOU wrote it! Perhaps we've been spending too much time together. Get thee behind me Rodney!)

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 01:46:29 (AST)

From: R. McKay

To: J. Sheppard

Cc: T. Emmagan; R. Dex

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mission Report # 313 (aka - The One I Have EVERY RIGHT To Not Want Anyone Else To Know About And I'll Thank You To Remember That I Took That Enzyme Overdose To Save Your Sorry Ass - And If You Tell Anyone About The Mission, I Won't Be Bothering Again - To Save Your Ass - I Presume You Know I Won't Be Taking Enzyme Overdoses Again)

This is a photo of me laughing at your oh so funny USAF issue humor.

Do they issue that when you join the Academy, or do they wait until you graduate, or whatever you grunts do?

Just to make it extra clear for you - NOT ONE WORD of what I may have said or done from the point after I entered that hut, to when I exited it is going to make it into anyone’s report, or cross the seal of anyone’s lips. OK?

Dr Rodney McKay

PS (Your screenwriter crack is SO not helping)

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 02:12:21 (AST)

From: J. Sheppard

To: R. McKay

Cc: T. Emmagan; R. Dex

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mission Report # 313 (aka - The One That Is Currently Going To Read Something Like This)

Mission Report # 313
Lt Colonel John Sheppard

Date Submitted: ??/??/???? (Because if Rodney gets his way nothing will ever be submitted and won’t THAT look suspicious?)

Mission Date: 20 Aug 2006
Destination: M62 7GH (Known to the inhabitants as Spocirk)
Time of Arrival: 17:20 (AST)

Space Gate… descended through atmosphere…flew 20.8 km NNW…landed 2 clicks east of village.. walked to village….McKay whining as usual about exercise etc… met villagers…

Teyla explained to the nice villagers that we wanted to check out the source of the energy readings we had detected…Ronon stood around looking intimidating until some kids showed up and talked him into showing off his knives (I counted 9 on his person including his sword).

The Spocirkan villagers explained they were having some problems with their power generator which turned out to be of the Ancient type so we offered our (aka McKay’s) services.

McKay fixed their generator in five hours after telling them all how impossible it would be and they seemed very, very happy. They surrounded him and carried him back to the village, which I let them do as they out-numbered us 25-1. As a sign of their gratitude, they declared an evening of celebration that we felt obliged to attend. We were ushered into a large and comfortable hut…

…eight hours later…

We said farewell to the Spocirkans, and walked back to the Puddle Jumper, in which we flew back to Atlantis without incident.

Date of Return: 21 Aug 2006
Time of Return: 18:45 (AST)


Because I’m sure Elizabeth won’t be thinking there’s anything missing from something like that.

And her mind won’t be racing when she sees the list of consumables that need to be replaced.

8 X large condoms
1 tube sun screen
4 Tylenol (soluble)
1 Chicken Tetrazini MRE

The truth is a let down when you consider what she’d be imagining happened if she had those facts alone!

Lt Colonel Grunt

PS (Thanks for the revenge material - aka your photo)

PPS (I’m going to bed. Now)

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 02:16:34 (AST)

From: R. McKay

To: J. Sheppard

Cc: T. Emmagan; R. Dex

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mission Report # 313 (aka - The One That Will Look Nothing Like The One Sheppard Just Pulled Out Of His Skinny Behind)

I hate you.

Dr Rodney McKay

PS (I really, really hate you)

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 02:17:59 (AST)

From: R. McKay

To: J. Sheppard

Subject: Hello?

Dr Rodney McKay

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 02:20:51 (AST)

From: R. McKay

To: J. Sheppard

Subject: You really have gone to bed haven’t you?

Dr Rodney McKay

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 02:22:46 (AST)

From: R. McKay

To: J. Sheppard

Subject: Lightweight

Dr Rodney McKay

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 08:56:09 (AST)

From: R. Dex

To: J. Sheppard; R. McKay

Cc: T. Emmagan

Subject: Re: Mission Report # 313 (aka - The One You Won't Let Us Tell The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But The Truth About)

I agree. We should tell her.

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 08:59:24 (AST)

From: R. Dex

To: R. McKay

Cc: T. Emmagan; J Sheppard

Subject: Re: Re: Mission Report # 313 (aka - The One There Is No Way Any Of You Will Be Telling ANYONE The Whole Truth About Unless You Want To Have Sweet's "Greatest Hits" Blasted Into Your Quarters At Random Intervals Whilst You Are *Trying* To Sleep)

I wouldn’t mind having sweets blasted into my quarters, especially if it’s blue jello.

Cream is optional, though from what I saw Berina didn’t think it was optional for you McKay.

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 09:02:26 (AST)

From: J. Sheppard

To: R. Dex

Subject: Sweet

R. Dex wrote…
I wouldn’t mind having sweets blasted into my quarters, especially if it’s blue jello.

Cream is optional, though from what I understand it wasn’t optional for you in that hut.

Buddy - you’re the best!

I’ll explain the “Sweet” reference to you later, and tonight I’m going to teach you about Eric Clapton.

Sheppard
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Date: 22 Aug 2006 09:04:31 (AST)

From: R. Dex

To: R. McKay; J Sheppard

Cc: T. Emmagan

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re: Mission Report # 313 (aka - The One I Have EVERY RIGHT To Not Want Anyone Else To Know About And I'll Thank You To Remember That I Took That Enzyme Overdose To Save Your Sorry Ass - And If You Tell Anyone About The Mission, I Won't Be Bothering Again - To Save Your Ass - I Presume You Know I Won't Be Taking Enzyme Overdoses Again)

Interesting photo. I prefer the large copies currently replacing the targets in the shooting range to this small one. Shooting accuracy has improved greatly.

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 09:05:11 (AST)

From: R. McKay

To: J Sheppard

Subject: Dead Man Reading (that means you!)

R. Dex wrote…
Interesting photo. I prefer the large copies currently replacing the targets in the shooting range to this small one. Shooting accuracy has improved greatly.

I hate you with the power of 10,000 ZPMs.

What did I ever do to deserve this?

Don’t answer that.

Well at least it explains why the Marines started laughing when I scowled at them in the Mess Hall at breakfast.

Dr Rodney ‘I hate you so much words cannot express it’ McKay

PS (Did I mention that I hate you?)

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 09:05:43 (AST)

From: R. Dex

To: R. McKay; J Sheppard

Cc: T. Emmagan

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mission Report # 313 (aka - The One That Is Currently Going To Read Something Like This)

Yeah, she’d definitely suspect something.

At least I now know why I was able to kick Sheppard’s ass so easily during training this morning.

Sheppard - you might want to rethink staying up so late if all you’re going to do is exchange strange e-mails with McKay and make really large copies of his photo. Whilst the photos improved everyone’s aim this morning, I doubt that your efforts will have any long-lasting effect on our fight against the Wraith.

You counted 9 knives, including my sword? Keep trying. That’s still not all of them.

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Date: 22 Aug 2006 09:07:29 (AST)

From: J. Sheppard

To: R. McKay

Subject: Re: Dead Man Reading (that means you!)

Just let us write the damn report in its complete state McKay!

Nobody resists: nobody gets hurt.

Stop being such a baby and take it like a man. It really wasn’t that bad in the whole scheme of bad things.

Sheppard

PS (I’m sorry about the shooting range thing. That wasn’t very professional of me. But it really did improve everyone’s accuracy)

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Date 22 Aug 10:47:53 (AST)

From: T. Emmagan

To: R. McKay; J, Sheppard; R. Dex

Subject: Spam

If I recall Elizabeth’s explanation correctly, “Spam” means two things. The first is that interestingmeat that the Daedalus’ brought us one time, and the Colonel suggested we trade for fresh fertilizer (although I believe he used a different term to refer to the fertilizer).

The second is a type of nuisance message that people on Earth who use e-mail regularly receive. I believe the subject matter usually concerns bodily enhancement drugs, computer software something called a ‘Nigerian Lottery’ or photos of naked women with men who have been using the enhancement drugs. I am relieved that due to our distance from Earth this has not been a problem from which we have suffered.

However, Elizabeth also explained that the term can be used to describe ANY nuisance e-mails.

Please could you stop sending me Spam? I received a great deal of this from Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay last night and received even more from Ronon this morning.

If you wished to resolve the matter of the mission report, why did you not discuss it in person, rather than sending silly messages back and forth? The whole matter seems very childish, especially the photos on the shooting ranges.

Have I told you lately that I find your people rather strange?

Teyla Emmagan
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Date: 22 Aug 10:49:58 (AST)

From: T. Emmagan

To: R. McKay;

Cc: R. Dex; J. Sheppard

Subject: Seriously.

As funny as you may think it is to send everyone a photo of the Colonel hugging some kind of stuffed toy, not everybody finds it amusing.

Please stop spamming me.

Teyla Emmagan

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Date: 22 Aug 10:50:15

From: J. Sheppard

To: R. McKay

Subject: Very funny

I have to thank you for sending this hilarious photo to absolutely everyone in Atlantis, although I have to say that your PhotoShop skills leave much to be desired. I could do better than that myself. A teddy bear is kinda lame. Couldn’t you find a photo of Malibu Barbie?

By the way, that loud bang you can hear is the sound of you shooting yourself in the foot, as now Elizabeth’s going to know for sure that something’s up.

Why don’t you just write your version of the report - all incidents intact - and we’ll agree to base our accounts on your account.

Write the full report McKay!

Sheppard

PS (We’ve also pissed off Teyla. I’d keep a look out if I were you)

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Date: 22 Aug 10:51:47

From: E. Weir

To: R. McKay; J. Sheppard

Subject: My office. Now!

I know you’re both using your laptops now, so don’t try to pretend that you haven’t seen this yet. You have ten minutes to get to my office.

Dr Weir

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Date: 22 Aug 10:52:17

From: J. Sheppard

To: R. McKay

Subject: FW: My office. Now!

E.Weir wrote…
I know you’re both using your laptops now, so don’t try to pretend that you haven’t seen this yet. You have ten minutes to get to my office.

Told you so.

Sheppard

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Date: 22 Aug 11:31:15

From: R. McKay

To: J. Sheppard

Subject: (None)

You folded like a card table and you told her everything!

I hate you more than ever.

Dr Rodney McKay

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Date: 22 Aug 11:32:28

From: J. Sheppard

To: R. McKay

Subject: Re: (None)

That was self-defense!

Well if you’d just let us write the damn report in the first place none of that would have happened.

Sheppard

PS (Weird sense of déjà vu as I wrote that)

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Date: 22 Aug 11:33:57

From: R. McKay

To: J. Sheppard

Subject: Re: Re: (None)

I mean you told her EVERYTHING! The special cream Berina fed me and only me; the ensuing loss of judgment; the model of their solar system I constructed; the singing….

Oh god! The singing...

Oh god! What I did BEFORE the singing…

I loathe you.

Your enemy.

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Date: 22 Aug 11:46:04

From: J. Sheppard

To: R. McKay

Subject: Mission Report # 313

Frankly, I thought the condom solar system was ingenious. I’d never have thought of squirting sunscreen inside the *balloon* to simulate that ice planet, and using the chicken tetrazzini for the insides of the gas giants is probably the best use of an MRE I’ve ever seen. Watching you slip a rubber over the end of that flashlight to represent their sun was truly… educational.

Your explanation of how the heating element worked was enthusiastic (even by your standards, though I don’t think removing jacket, t-shirt and pants was strictly necessary) but received well by all, and I think Berina appreciated it the most. Let’s just say that she didn’t think the element was the hottest thing in the room. What a shame for you that you used all the prophylactics for other purposes…

Personally, I could have done without the singing, but the villagers seemed to enjoy it. It’s not that you can’t sing, it was more your choice of songs. You might want to remove “Space Man” and “Jump Around” from your repertoire.

Well at least the Tylenol were used for their intended purpose and the effect of the cream was short-lived.

I really can understand why you didn’t want to tell anyone, but you gotta agree it turned out for the best. It made Elizabeth laugh, so that was a plus, and she insisted that we write about it in only the broadest terms in our reports, *farewell prospects of new writing career* so no one else need ever know.

AND she was laughing so much she forgot to punish us for our little photo war! Cool!

Sheppard

PS (You’re not going to try to find a way to shrivel my nuts now are you?)

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Date: 22 Aug 11:50:24

From: R. McKay

To: J. Sheppard

Subject: Re: Mission Report # 313

You’ll never know.

Unless one day it suddenly happens.

Dr Rodney “Evil Genius” McKay

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Date: 22 Aug 14:53:39

From: J. Sheppard

To: R. McKay

Subject: 20:30

Tonight I’m hosting another session of “Sheppard’s Rock’n’Roll Hall of Fame” featuring glam rock and Eric Clapton. Ronon and Teyla are coming, and I’ve made Teyla promise to leave her sticks in her quarters.

There will be popcorn, chocolate and a bottle of Molsons with “Evil Genius” written on it.

Interested?

Sheppard

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Date: 22 Aug 15:02:31

From: R. McKay

To: J. Sheppard

Subject: Re: 20:30

Ok.

Dr Rod… oh why do I bother?

Later.

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